Post by animalgoddess on Mar 13, 2011 9:57:24 GMT -5
I have a million favorite quotes and jokes! I put up this thread so we can all share our own or some that we've heard. I hope this brings you all laughs. (Over time, I'll add more.) 
Pregnant Lady on the Bus
Actual true story/Australian Court Docket 12659, Case of the Pregnant Lady
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed a man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the man's smile turned into a grin, so she move again. The man seemed more amused. When she moved for the fourth time, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. (Only in Australia)
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man, (about 20 years old), what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, THE DOUBLEMINT TWINS ARE COMING, and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, LOGAN'S LINIMENT WILL REDUCE THE SWELLING, I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign than said, WILLIAMS BIG STICK DID THE TRICK, I could hardly contain myself.
But, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, GOODYEAR RUBBER COULD HAVE PREVENTED THIS ACCIDENT, I just lost it.
The case was dismissed.
Apple Company Fail
I've heard that Apple scratched their plans for the new childrens' iPod after realizing that 'iTouch Kids' is not a good product name.
Think before you speak, mom.
A kid walking down the street see's the word "Fucked"
He goes home and asks his mum what fucked means, She says "It means Getting Dressed dear"
Then he goes outside and someone yells "Shit"
He goes home and asks his mum what shit means, She says "It means Food dear"
Then dad comes home and says:
Dad: "Hey son"
Kid: "Hey dad, the shits on the table and mums upstairs getting fucked"
Dear Dudes,
You may think we belong in the kitchen, but the second you want sex, and i'm making your tea, you will be one sorry ass-kissing man.
Tick, tock.
The lesbians next door asked me what I would like for my birthday.
I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex
It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said
I wanna watch.
Tea.
A vampire goes into a pub and asks 4 boiling water. The barman says "I thought u only drank blood?" The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says "I'm making tea".
A better world
Dreams of a better world.....where chickens can cross the road without being questioned about their actions
Mmmm, cake. (;
a boy went to a pub with his mom and saw two teens having sex. he asked his mom what they were doing. his mom replied:they baking cake.
next day, the boy went to the zoo and saw two monkeys having sex. he asked his mom what they were doing. his mom replied: they baking cake.
the next day, the boy told his mom : mummy, i know last night u and daddy baking cake.
mom: how you know?
boy: i licked the icing off the sofa.
Stereotype
im blonde but im not dummm im actually clever
^^ Yeah, well apparently clever doesn't include the ability to spell. (;
Fans.
Roses are Red,
Violets are blue,
I wanna fuck you with a rake.
(One of Shane Dawson's fans sent this to him). xD
To do list:
1. Live past the day Justin Bieber dies.
2. ......umm....
3. ....that's all I've got....
4. ....sorry....
Russians.
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.
The Russians used a pencil.
Pwned a beautiful singer.
Dear Bruno Mars,
How did you know that you girlfriend's eyes were open?
Sincerely,
People who pay attention to lyrics.
Hehe
Statistically, 1 in 20 of us live next door to a pedophile. Not me though, i live next door to a stunning pair of seven year olds.
How poetic!
roses are red, violets are blue, he's for me and not for you. so if by chance you take my place, ill take my fist & smash your face
FINGER LICKIN' GOOD!
yo mamma sooooo fat....... The only alphabet she knows is... K F C!!!
Lol
How to impress a woman: kiss her, hug her, compliment her, love her, tease her, protect her, support her. How to impress a man: turn up naked with beer!
XDDDDD
Paddy went to his friends and said,I'm Jesus Christ!!
His friends said Noo haha your playin about
No I'm not playin about I'll prove it.
I bet you 500 pound your not jesus christ so he put the money down
Paddy walks into a bar and the Barman said,JESUS CHRIST NOT HIM AGAIN
like if you get it
Impressive
I'm not trying to impress you but...I do own a nerf gun
Maybe next year!
The look on Justin Bieber's face when he loses the solo-girl awards.
ULTIMATE PWNAGE
pepsi cola went to town, coca cola shot him down, Dr. Pepper fixed him up now we're drinking 7up, 7up got sent to jail now we're drinking ginger ale, ginger ale got the flu now we're drinking mountain dew, mountain dew got in a fight now we're drinking gool ol'sprite sprite got sad coz he didnt see santa, now we're drinking boring fanta, fanta got lost in the mist now we're drinking sunkist, sunkist got filled with fear now we're drinking.............ROOT BEAR!!!!!
^^;
When I'm bored i sit at my laptop looking through likes...
Too salty.
There are plenty more fish in the sea -
well i don't know about you but i don't want to date a fish
LMFAO
A wife asked her husband: What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?..
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: Your sense of humor.
Oh, you!
SO there was this blonde girl that walked into this bar.
and said ow.
get it
Me.
"dude, she called you fat."
OH JELLOOOO! Here, hold my pudding.
Thanks, mom.
"im not fat, im big boned"
"godzilla was big boned you are FAT"
"..."
So true.
Strawberry blonde = Ginger in denial
PWNED
Hi, I'm a guy.
I like to wear lipstick sometimes.
Sometimes I kiss other guys just for fun,
I paint my nails and I wear dresses when I'm home alone.
Sincerely, a normal teenage guy.
^That isn't normal dude. :
^^ um yeah it is
^^^Shut up Justin.
Smart.
Genie: You have 3 wishes. There 1 rule, you cannot wish for more wishes.
Boy: Okay, hm..
Boy: I WISH I COULD WISH FOR MORE WISHES!
Genie: -.-
Racist, but lol
Today I went home on the train. I sat down opposite a cute Thai girl.
I prayed and prayed "...please don't get a boner...", but she did.
Sexy Valentines.
I wish I could ask the sexiest person alive to be my valentine.
But it would be pretty weird asking myself.
Pfft.
*mum looking after a baby*
Mum: GO TO SLEEP!
*mum looking after a teenager*
Mum: WAKE UP!
We are only doing what you told us to a long time ago..
Rofl
justin beiber: dad, i just had my first time of sex
dad: oh yea wat was it like?
justin beiber: good, but wen does my arse stop hurting?
dad: ............................
When pigs fly!
A lot of crazy shit's gonna happen when pigs learn to fly...
xD
Dude, he just called you a nerd!
Oh hell no! Hold my Black Ops disc! NO WAIT GIVE IT BACK! IM WORTHLESS WITHOUT IT!
Goddammit
To the blonde who posted this
"im blonde but im not dummm im actually clever"
Stop dying your hair blonde. You make us REAL blondes look bad.
Mmmhmmm
Resturaunt~ check!
Cinema~ check!
On the hood...of the car~ check!
Counter-top~ check!
Balcony~ check!
In the jet~ check!
On the beach~ check!
Wah? These are just all the places my cell phone can get reception.
Pregnant Lady on the Bus
Actual true story/Australian Court Docket 12659, Case of the Pregnant Lady
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed a man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the man's smile turned into a grin, so she move again. The man seemed more amused. When she moved for the fourth time, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. (Only in Australia)
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man, (about 20 years old), what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, THE DOUBLEMINT TWINS ARE COMING, and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, LOGAN'S LINIMENT WILL REDUCE THE SWELLING, I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign than said, WILLIAMS BIG STICK DID THE TRICK, I could hardly contain myself.
But, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, GOODYEAR RUBBER COULD HAVE PREVENTED THIS ACCIDENT, I just lost it.
The case was dismissed.
Apple Company Fail
I've heard that Apple scratched their plans for the new childrens' iPod after realizing that 'iTouch Kids' is not a good product name.
Think before you speak, mom.
A kid walking down the street see's the word "Fucked"
He goes home and asks his mum what fucked means, She says "It means Getting Dressed dear"
Then he goes outside and someone yells "Shit"
He goes home and asks his mum what shit means, She says "It means Food dear"
Then dad comes home and says:
Dad: "Hey son"
Kid: "Hey dad, the shits on the table and mums upstairs getting fucked"
Dear Dudes,
You may think we belong in the kitchen, but the second you want sex, and i'm making your tea, you will be one sorry ass-kissing man.
Tick, tock.
The lesbians next door asked me what I would like for my birthday.
I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex
It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said
I wanna watch.
Tea.
A vampire goes into a pub and asks 4 boiling water. The barman says "I thought u only drank blood?" The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says "I'm making tea".
A better world
Dreams of a better world.....where chickens can cross the road without being questioned about their actions
Mmmm, cake. (;
a boy went to a pub with his mom and saw two teens having sex. he asked his mom what they were doing. his mom replied:they baking cake.
next day, the boy went to the zoo and saw two monkeys having sex. he asked his mom what they were doing. his mom replied: they baking cake.
the next day, the boy told his mom : mummy, i know last night u and daddy baking cake.
mom: how you know?
boy: i licked the icing off the sofa.
Stereotype
im blonde but im not dummm im actually clever
^^ Yeah, well apparently clever doesn't include the ability to spell. (;
Fans.
Roses are Red,
Violets are blue,
I wanna fuck you with a rake.
(One of Shane Dawson's fans sent this to him). xD
To do list:
1. Live past the day Justin Bieber dies.
2. ......umm....
3. ....that's all I've got....
4. ....sorry....
Russians.
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.
The Russians used a pencil.
Pwned a beautiful singer.
Dear Bruno Mars,
How did you know that you girlfriend's eyes were open?
Sincerely,
People who pay attention to lyrics.
Hehe
Statistically, 1 in 20 of us live next door to a pedophile. Not me though, i live next door to a stunning pair of seven year olds.
How poetic!
roses are red, violets are blue, he's for me and not for you. so if by chance you take my place, ill take my fist & smash your face
FINGER LICKIN' GOOD!
yo mamma sooooo fat....... The only alphabet she knows is... K F C!!!
Lol
How to impress a woman: kiss her, hug her, compliment her, love her, tease her, protect her, support her. How to impress a man: turn up naked with beer!
XDDDDD
Paddy went to his friends and said,I'm Jesus Christ!!
His friends said Noo haha your playin about
No I'm not playin about I'll prove it.
I bet you 500 pound your not jesus christ so he put the money down
Paddy walks into a bar and the Barman said,JESUS CHRIST NOT HIM AGAIN
like if you get it
Impressive
I'm not trying to impress you but...I do own a nerf gun
Maybe next year!
The look on Justin Bieber's face when he loses the solo-girl awards.
ULTIMATE PWNAGE
pepsi cola went to town, coca cola shot him down, Dr. Pepper fixed him up now we're drinking 7up, 7up got sent to jail now we're drinking ginger ale, ginger ale got the flu now we're drinking mountain dew, mountain dew got in a fight now we're drinking gool ol'sprite sprite got sad coz he didnt see santa, now we're drinking boring fanta, fanta got lost in the mist now we're drinking sunkist, sunkist got filled with fear now we're drinking.............ROOT BEAR!!!!!
^^;
When I'm bored i sit at my laptop looking through likes...
Too salty.
There are plenty more fish in the sea -
well i don't know about you but i don't want to date a fish
LMFAO
A wife asked her husband: What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?..
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: Your sense of humor.
Oh, you!
SO there was this blonde girl that walked into this bar.
and said ow.
get it
Me.
"dude, she called you fat."
OH JELLOOOO! Here, hold my pudding.
Thanks, mom.
"im not fat, im big boned"
"godzilla was big boned you are FAT"
"..."
So true.
Strawberry blonde = Ginger in denial
PWNED
Hi, I'm a guy.
I like to wear lipstick sometimes.
Sometimes I kiss other guys just for fun,
I paint my nails and I wear dresses when I'm home alone.
Sincerely, a normal teenage guy.
^That isn't normal dude. :
^^ um yeah it is
^^^Shut up Justin.
Smart.
Genie: You have 3 wishes. There 1 rule, you cannot wish for more wishes.
Boy: Okay, hm..
Boy: I WISH I COULD WISH FOR MORE WISHES!
Genie: -.-
Racist, but lol
Today I went home on the train. I sat down opposite a cute Thai girl.
I prayed and prayed "...please don't get a boner...", but she did.
Sexy Valentines.
I wish I could ask the sexiest person alive to be my valentine.
But it would be pretty weird asking myself.
Pfft.
*mum looking after a baby*
Mum: GO TO SLEEP!
*mum looking after a teenager*
Mum: WAKE UP!
We are only doing what you told us to a long time ago..
Rofl
justin beiber: dad, i just had my first time of sex
dad: oh yea wat was it like?
justin beiber: good, but wen does my arse stop hurting?
dad: ............................
When pigs fly!
A lot of crazy shit's gonna happen when pigs learn to fly...
xD
Dude, he just called you a nerd!
Oh hell no! Hold my Black Ops disc! NO WAIT GIVE IT BACK! IM WORTHLESS WITHOUT IT!
Goddammit
To the blonde who posted this
"im blonde but im not dummm im actually clever"
Stop dying your hair blonde. You make us REAL blondes look bad.
Mmmhmmm
Resturaunt~ check!
Cinema~ check!
On the hood...of the car~ check!
Counter-top~ check!
Balcony~ check!
In the jet~ check!
On the beach~ check!
Wah? These are just all the places my cell phone can get reception.
